Steven Wright says

I installed a skylight in my apartment, and the people who live above
me are furious

 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

 I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! 

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”